little “t” traumas

“Trauma isn’t what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you.” – Gabor Maté

A while back, I saw a hypnotherapist for several sessions, addressing some mindset issues, imposter syndrome, and remnants of childhood traumas.  

I found this incredibly beautiful and helpful, but I see a holistic practitioner who is not covered by insurance, so I hadn’t had a session in a few months.

In that time, I experienced some new traumas which I never fully processed so I booked a one off appointment for yesterday.

The full story is not mine to share and I won’t get into it today, but one of the unresolved points of trauma for me involved an interaction with a family member.

I was the person who broke the news to this family member and it was a jarring moment.

I would ordinarily describe this person as emotionally unavailable.  Truly, we don’t discuss hurt feelings or emotions.  There is very little vulnerability shared.  

They are also someone that I have looked up to as a role model for a long time.

And when I called to share the news, I did not expect to be met with the screams of grief.  The kind that I hope you have only heard in movies.  Followed by sobs.

To be burdened with the sudden burst of emotion was a traumatic moment for me and I didn’t realize it until my hypnotherapist named it as a trauma.

I had been hesitant to call it that because it seemed so insignificant in relation to the primary loss.  

But something inside of me snapped under the weight of that agony.  And that is all that matters.

I share this today because that moment was so freeing.  To finally name my trauma.

If you are holding past trauma in your body because you have been afraid to name it for what it is, I want you to know that it doesn’t matter how big or small someone else thinks that event was.  Name it.  I give you permission.

And I hope you find healing.

The Longest Night

I often refer to my year of unemployment, from March 2020 to April 2021, as “the Pandemic year”.  I know the pandemic has dragged on well past a year, but to me that was the year that the world seemed to come to a halt. 

It was during this year that I rediscovered my spiritual self.  The year I tuned back into my body and the seasons.  That was the year that I learned to love winter.  Dormant.  Restful.  Preparing for new awakenings. 

This year I’ve felt like the challenge of this winter is to learn to love night.  For so long, I’ve dreaded winter and part of that has been because the days are shortened and the darkness comes so early in the day.  I’m slowly, but surely, leaning into that.  Learning to appreciate it. 

The twinkle of lights, the bright full moon, the early showing of Venus and the other planets. 

The heat and warmth of a bonfire. 

The sun shining on my bed right at naptime. 

The beautiful gradient sunsets. 

On this, the longest night of the year, I want to celebrate the darkness that encourages us to rest, reflect, and spend a little more time with our loved ones.

Here’s to learning to love the night and sending our little ones to bed when the sun goes down.

Happy Solstice, all.

A Fresh Start

New Beginnings.  Welcome to my website.  I’ve been sitting on this domain for several months now.  I purchased it with the intention of broadcasting my coaching practice, but work and health and recent personal events made that feel too heavy for me right now.  

For several months, I shared my thoughts on pregnancy, motherhood, and parenting on Facebook and on Tiktok.  And then I stopped.  I felt like it wasn’t making a difference and that I probably looked really silly.  

But last week, one of my short essays popped up in my memories.  I read through it and even a year later, I found it so relevant and so helpful that I had to stop and pause.  Why did I stop sharing?  Writing those weekly posts was enjoyable for me and received overall positive support.  So why did I stop?

For a number of reasons, if I’m being honest.  But the biggest one is that I told myself no.  I told myself that the work didn’t matter.  I told myself that if I am honest about who I am and what I believe, then I will make people angry.  And I told myself that I was reaching too far, thinking too highly of myself to think that I have something new to offer the world. 

But today I choose a new beginning.

In my spiritual practice, I honor new beginnings every month.  It’s a routine that I find comforting and inspiring.  It’s a monthly reset to help me focus back on what is important.

And recently I’ve been convicted to raise my voice more for women’s issues.  Equality.  Identity.  Freedom.  Those values have always been at my core, for as long as I can remember.  

Today I am committing to sharing my thoughts once again. I will share a new post every Tuesday and we will see where the road takes us.

I have long said that life is a great journey.  I invite you to join me.